emilita: (Abed paintball)
I just had a whole post about how this week has been absolute shit, and on top of everything, it gets deleted.
emilita: (pic#8195246)
And it started with its typical controversy. Ahhhh, it's been too long.

I've been stressing about whether I should take the possible promotion, and have gotten absolutely nowhere. I just waffle back and forth and can't decide if I'd be able to deal with the pressure and responsibility of dealing with benefits and everything. This is a situation that hasn't even come to fruition yet, and I'm already having anxiety. Yeesh.

I've been making strides in my physical fitness, and while it's encouraging, I'm not seeing as much improvement in the POTS and fibromyalgia symptoms as I wanted. My joints still feel like they're moving around too much, I have random aches and pains, the dizziness and orthostatic intolerance have been steady, and the CFS is still dragging me down. I'm seeing some good things, like I have an increased amount of energy and endurance, but overall it's underwhelming. I'll stick with it though, and I'm working on improving my diet, along with the squat challenge and core workouts. Hopefully, it'll get better, because I'm so tired of dealing with the my body falling apart.

The good news! Cats are back where they belong, and Skids has gotten over his cold and is back to causing trouble. Nothing horrible has happened at work, and we're actually getting raises in October (negligible, but it'll help). I'm... thinking... of moving out soon. It'll be very hard, since the idea of a living wage in public health is a joke, but I've been looking around and doing calculations. We'll see.

Job drama

Aug. 20th, 2014 10:34 pm
emilita: (orange flowers)
Urrrrgggh everyone at work is leaving or moving on :/. My boss is moving to Timonium, my coworker S is (probably) getting a promotion, my coworker J1 who got a promotion in March is possibly going for my boss’ position (which would be good for both him and us), and one of the people who was from Johns Hopkins moved to NC :/.

It could potentially be good for me? My boss recommended that I try for J1’s position if he gets hers, but… IDK. It would be a huge increase in responsibility, and I have no idea if I could handle it. It would, on the other hand, be a $.50 difference from what I will be making after the raise in October. And, potentially, a $1.50 difference.

But still… responsibility and stress… And this is only if he actually goes for the boss’ job. I hate decisions. S is currently stressing so much about whether she should take the offered promotion, too, and I feel bad for her because I know precisely how she feels. And, also, because we were telling her that she wasn’t allowed to leave us, and now she’s not sure if she should take this, or wait to see if she can go for J1’s position.

We had a fight today, but I was not present for it because the boss, J2, and me were out picking up lunch. It ended with a guy bloody, so I’m sorry I missed it. Especially because this was the same guy that got his ass kicked a month or so ago by another client, because he keeps threatening people, and many of the people at the program have experienced stuff like that in the past and had it actually be followed through. So, while the whole physical violence thing is Not Cool, I also have trouble blaming either of the other clients. You do have to take mental illness in on both sides, though, even though all of the people involved have the capacity to know what they did was inappropriate.
emilita: (Default)
Been working on back logging entries from LJ onto Dreamwidth, since I didn't crosspost a lot of them. Still have a lot more to do, but it's getting there. Working on changing my theme to one I like, and updating the info page.

The state of the world has not gotten appreciably better in the last several days. There have been hopeful things coming out of Ferguson, but then there was more violence last night. The mainstream media has been largely ignoring the crisis (outside of MSNBC and CNN), so the majority of my news I'm getting from Twitter. That... is not cool, America.

Got back from a week long trip yesterday, and very thankful for that, since we were getting on each other's last nerves. We spent a few days in Asheville, NC, and then drove back to MD along the Blue Ridge Parkway and the Skyline Drive. It was really gorgeous, but I am not someone who can hike days at a time - or even do strenuous walks - so I was completely worn out. The only reason I was able to go for as long as I did was because I actually have kept up with the fitness regiment, so my legs were a lot more fit. But so much time in close quarters with the family meant that we could not escape each other, and my dad and I got into several arguments. He apologized for the last one, seeing as he outright said that maybe I shouldn't have come on the trip when I said it would be better for me to get home Saturday and have a day relaxing before going back to work on Monday, but still, it goes to show that there are limits to our familial interactions. We were arguing over the fact that he wanted to stay one night more and I didn't, so that meant that I shouldn't have come on the week-long trip. Thanks, dad.

We did have fun, though, and I'm glad I went and got a week away from work. Problem is, now I don't want to go back.
emilita: (Default)
I'm following what's happening in Ferguson right now, and I'm getting sick to my stomach. Unrestrained use of force, media blackout, ignoring civil rights, reports of martial law being enacted... This is disgusting. The FAA has declared a no-fly zone over Ferguson (which means that there can be no news helicopters), reporters are being jailed, the media has been ordered to leave the city, and the governor of Missouri is MIA. His wife referred to the people protesting as 'feral.' All this because people wanted answers about why an unarmed teenage boy was killed, and then his body left for 4 hours. Disgusting.


Aug. 12th, 2014 12:46 am
emilita: (Default)
Robin Williams is dead. I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now.
emilita: (Default)
We had the weirdest day today. One of our new clients, who is an absolute pain in my ass, but whatever, got PISSED because we told her she didn't have a psychiatry appointment today (she didn't). Because she wouldn't lower her voice so that either S or I could tell her that maybe she could call the clinic or her service coordinator herself, she went on a rant about how much she hated any and all the staff here, we weren't doing our jobs, and she was leaving. She's threatened this several times before, which is surprising, actually, since she hasn't been here that long at all. But anyway, she walked away and we just shrugged it off, because she looked like she was going to sit down, and we couldn't stop her from leaving anyway.

Well, S got a call at about 10:30 from the head of this client's house, telling S that someone from our center needed to go down to the fire station a block away to pick up said client, because she was ranting to the firemen about how horrible we were. S went with our boss to get her, but when they get there, the firemen state that they called the paramedics to take her to the hospital because she reported that she fell here and broke her arm, and then proceeded to show them.

She does not have a broken arm. Or, well, she HAD a broken arm that healed badly years ago (as far as we've been able to gather, because the story keeps changing), and now it bends every way and looks like a knotted up hose. She showed this to them, and they got her sent to a local hospital.

So many things were ridiculous about that whole scenario, starting with the fact that the housing coordinator should have gone to pick her up herself rather than passing the buck. But honestly, the whole thing was absurd and something I will point to and laugh for a long while. Then I had to convince two of my coworkers that horses could swim, and the idea that I'd swam with horses and swam on while on horseback was enough to fry their brains and made them think that the entire experience was a drug trip. Everyone else backed me up, so there.

Finally, at lunch time, a client told me and two of my coworkers that black women gave birth using their colons.

Most days, I can safely say I love my job.

Going to see GotG tomorrow, then it's the pseudo-bachelorette party for a coworker, and then we leave for NC on Sunday morning and I get a week off of work :). It'll be a busy few days.
emilita: (Default)
I am so done with being jerked around by airlines, and I no longer want to get my hopes up about ANYTHING, but... one of our professors from college who often goes to Israel/Palestine and is familiar with the airline might have found us a way to get a refund. He was on the phone for several hours after my friend contacted him for tips in dealing with this situation (since he's had airlines fuck up his flights before), and he totally went above and beyond trying to work this out for us. It still has to go through the travel agent, but there's a form on the website specifically for the Tel Aviv issue, and apparently our flight falls within the date range to make a refund viable. How the hell the travel agent missed this is another issue, and one reason I doubt I'll be using one again. I want to believe that he got the run around from the airline just as much as we did, but I don't know what to think. At the moment, I'm just cautiously almost-optimistic. I don't want to jinx anything by giving the universe ways to mess this up, though, so I'll be quiet with my pessimism.

Work's been decent, especially since I know I won't be there next week. I'm still trying to set up an appointment for my psychiatrist to talk about anti-anxiety meds, because even if the anxiety is situational, I'm in a really stressful job, so I get over-anxious a LOT. I always feel like I'm riding just a level below an anxiety attack.

Exercise is kicking my butt. Still on track with the squats, and continuing with the ab exercises, but I'm pretty sure my lack of ab muscles means that I'm putting too much strain on my lower back during said exercises. Who knows, my back muscles may need it, but my abs definitely need it more. The biggest burden of exercising alone is learning how to exercise the right way.
emilita: (Default)
Nothing absolutely horrible happened at work, so everything's at least ok on that front.

I've been doing this squat challenge thing since last Sunday (I'm on day 9), and it's one of those things that supposed to get you up to 200 squats in 4 weeks. Today, I did 90. It's 3 days of squats and then one day of rest, so it's not one huge push. I've been running and doing other leg/butt exercises as well, and I added core exercises over the last couple days. Right now, I'm under the impression that I've never used my ab muscles ever. This might not be as wrong as it sounds, because the last time I talked to my doctor, he told me that one of the reasons I have back spasms is because I don't have abs to take over some of the work. I'm also working on building up back muscles and improving my posture, but all that's gotten me at the moment is pain. I need to find better ways to fix kyphosis, because trying to straighten it right now is killing me.

Real didn't defend their stupid title and I'm mad at them, though they definitely weren't at their best against Man United. Bring me the regular season, I need distractions from getting fit and working.
emilita: (Default)
I've been restarting my exercise routine over the last week, and I'm definitely feeling it. I'm now 7 days into this "squat challenge" thing that gets you up to 200 squats in 4 weeks. Today I did 80. I'm also trying to run more, and found ab workout exercises that actually make me feel sore afterwards. I'm starting to think I've never used my ab muscles before in my life.

Travel shit is still ongoing. My friend has taken over trying to bully the airline, since I've been fighting with everyone since we started planning the trip, so thank fuck for her. We're pretty sure that our other friend is not talking to us at the moment, because she was the hold out who said that we should still go. She wasn't allowed to go alone after we pulled out, though, so I'm thinking that she checked out and is letting us handle it since we messed things up for her, or something. I... don't really care, though, since I'd rather be dealing with trouble like this than be over there at the moment. The West Bank is getting more and more violent, and this conflict is not ending any time soon.

We don't know much more about how my client died. The last I heard, it was a heart attack, but they weren't sure. There hasn't been a memorial planned yet, though Crisis has said that they want to have something. The PRP might do a memorial for several clients that died within the last year, which would be nice. Nothing concrete as of yet.

Watching Real Madrid at the moment. The good thing is that this trophy doesn't matter, and if we had to lose a trophy, I'd definitely want it to be this one. Bad thing is, I also thought we were the better team against Inter and Roma, so the fact that we are losing sucks. I really want the season to start :(.
emilita: (Default)
I need to calm down. At this point I feel ready to burn everything to the ground

Read more... )

On the bright side, the trailer for The Hobbit: BoFA came out, and I don't feel like death after exercising yesterday.
emilita: (Default)
...so it's not looking like we're going to get refunds, unless they suspend them again by Tuesday. I know my parents have said they would help me with the cost if I needed it but 1) I don't want to have to ask them for money and 2) I'm still pissed that we're not getting a refund. I get that our flight wasn't directly affected, because they resumed in time, but I'm upset that they didn't process the request in time for us to get our money back. The travel agent said that Air France recommended that we get travel insurance and THEN cancel the tickets, but... insurance fraud? I'm pretty positive that would count as insurance fraud. So, no.

I shouldn't be as pissed at this as I am. I had come to terms with getting a voucher instead of a refund before the suspension even happened. I think this is a combination of getting my hopes up with the suspension, my anxiety over the last week+ still ongoing, and me PMSing.

Cut for talk of death... )
emilita: (Default)
Two client deaths today, one of them mine. This day sucks.
emilita: (Default)
I am, sadly, at the point where going on an anti-anxiety med seems inevitable. I have been kept up the last two nights with anxiety attacks, and almost started crying today when I talked about getting on a plane. Thankfully (for me), Air France has suspended all flights to Tel Aviv indefinitely, so I'm contacting the travel agent to return my ticket. I think this was the universe yelling at me to wake up and see the signs. One of the two friends I was going with wanted to hold out since the ban could conceivably be lifted soon, but since my other friend AND the person we were going to see were both like 'ok, it looks like enough's enough', I didn't have a problem saying no. Hell no, in fact. Even if I have to pay a fine to change my ticket somewhere else, or not get a full refund since the tickets are for a week from today, I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not putting myself through this. I didn't want to be the one person who pulled out, but now at least two of the three understand and agree (though they weren't as reluctant as me in the first place).

I just really needed affirmation that this wasn't my anxiety blowing the danger out of proportion. Though, now that I'm over the relief of the decision being made for me, I'm stressing about whether I'm going to have to eat the cost of a flight I'm not taking. I hate my brain so much sometimes.

Also, I think my coworkers thought I brought this topic up randomly with clients, but I legitimately didn't start the conversations, lol. I mentioned it once when I was explaining the situation, and since then, I've had people asking me about it almost every day. I literally had a client walk up to me and say, completely straight faced and serious: "Don't go. You're gonna die!" I swear, I almost called the travel agent that moment. Talk about a way to freak me out.
emilita: (Default)
How am I the only person out of the two others I'm going with and the person we're going to visit who thinks it's a bad idea to fly into Israel right now??? This seems like common sense to me? Is my anxiety just getting the better of me or what??
emilita: (Default)
I am supposed to be flying to Israel and the West Bank at the end of this month. Minutes ago, Israel started a ground invasion into Gaza.

I'm being told by people close to the situation that the West Bank is not experiencing any of the turmoil, and the fighting is several hours away. This is all fine, but, since I live in Baltimore, it's like saying that there's a war in Richmond. Not a situation I'd really want to get anyone involved in. Now I have to talk with the two people coming with me, and try to figure out if we want to postpone the visit or not. I really want to, but I also don't want to feel like I'm giving in to my anxiety, since I know I'm having problems controlling that.

emilita: (Default)
Well, my weekend was awesome. Germany won the World Cup and I screamed and cried. That's the Champions League and the World Cup in the same year :). My dad claims that if the Orioles win the World Series, he owes me dinner.

I'm already missing soccer, and can't wait until club season starts back up again. Right now, all I want is for transfer season to be over so that I can stop stressing that all my favorites are in danger of leaving.

Work has been going decently, especially since I took Monday off. I was nearing definitely already at murder bitch mode, since I hadn't taken a mental health day since February. But today was much calmer, and groups went really well. I'm still playing catch up on paperwork, but that's the norm here. Paperwork is overflowing and time with the clients is put on the back burner (wonderful way to run a public health organization, yes?). Whatever. We had a good day, let's stick to the positives.

The negative is that I think I might have to go on another med. I went off of a second antidepressant last April, which screwed me up for a while, but it generally seemed to be ok. Problem is that since late last year, I've been getting more and more anxiety attacks. It's to the point where I feel like I'm about to be sick or I'll experience tachycardia, like when I stand up too long and my POTS reminds me I'm an idiot, when I watch a match. Even ones I don't care who wins. That's not normal for me, though I suppose maybe I've just become so invested? It just doesn't seem healthy, but I'm pissed because I wanted to be on as little meds as possible. It's not just that I don't like drugging myself more than necessary (I've been on meds since I was 13, I'm allowed to dislike them at this point), but that shit's expensive. I'm still on my dad's insurance, and it's still a hell of a lot more than I like paying. And next year, I'll be too old to be covered and have to either go with what's offered at work (if I'm still there) or find my own to cover all that I'm already taking. Why couldn't I be born with a normal brain and body again?

/Rant over.

Ok, done now.
emilita: (Default)
The WC final is an hour and a half away, and I already feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack.

Please please please let Germany win.
emilita: (Default)
Had a heating pad on my back since I got home at 4. My lower back has been spasming since 10:30 or so this morning.

I have a training tomorrow, so I won't have any groups, which means no paperwork for me to do until Monday. I'm so happy :). Paperwork (and all the bureaucracy and redundancies that go with it) is easily the worst thing about this job.

Still over the moon that Madrid did not let in any goals for the month of January!!!
emilita: (Default)
I hate winter so much. It's not even the snow, it's that even though I expect it, I'm still hit with a dip in mood and overall mental health. I've lived with this long enough to recognize that I'm constantly worrying that I'll die in a car crash, or fire, or walking down the street, and that the inability to get up in the morning means that I'm becoming more sluggish overall, and that the fact that I have this crushing sense of inadequacy and like I'm imposing on others or making things about me and overstaying my welcome is probably a bad sign. It's not like I'm about to go off the rails, but even though I recognize all of these facts, it doesn't snap me out of the rut. It's times like these that remind me how I should probably schedule a Skype date with my therapist, but I also don't want to talk. At all. And I keep falling into the thinking that keeping up with my routine will help me keep going, and while it's true to an extent, it's also apparently failing.

I'm just tired, and needed to rant somewhere so that I can try to work through everything in my head. Sorry.


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